What I've learned...

Today I cried in class.  Well it was after, but there were numerous tears that I could not control.  I was talking to Dr. C about the class and most specifically, quiz 1.  It has been a joke in my cohort that we only need a C to graduate.  Who knew the first quiz would jeopardize that C.  It was a funny joke because none of us have made a C in a course yet.  It wasn’t so funny when I made a 26.7 on the first quiz (most scores were terrible, but mine was extremely bad).  I emphasize the .7 so everyone knows that it rounds up to 27.  Well Dr. C said that he was astonished we did so poorly as a class.  Honestly, I’m not sure many of us were astonished, I know I wasn’t.  I bought the book Thursday, before the Friday test.  We were told the material would be on only what we read, not what we discussed in class-which I thought was ridiculous and so therefore I didn’t believe.  I figured the assessment would be a synthesis between the reading and the discussions in class.  Yep, nope, it was purely on Joyce Van Tassel-Baska and memorizing specific topics.  I had taken notes, I had all of the answers…however I messed up the sections.  I put the topic after question 2 as it’s answer.  When Dr. C announced that we could do test corrections/explain our answers to improve our grade my classmates went home and wrote out the correct answers (from the book or notes) and explained why they did poorly.  Some turned in revisions on the test, others turned in four pages of rewrites and I’m sure ass kissing (I love you all, I do).  I looked at my test, discovered my errors and put the test in my notebook.  I deserved my “27”.  I did not study as much as I should have.  I did not memorize what should have been memorized.  However after emails and urgings from Dr. C it was pressed upon me to turn in an explanation. 

My beliefs on education are that not one person can dictate appropriateness for a general population.  I have already expressed this concern in my Common Core post.  I am enamored by the Sal Kahn debates in the Washington Post right now (he is not a king of math, he is just a guy with a good video voice).  I can memorize JVTB’s beliefs, but I don’t believe that me copying them from the book would express that for Dr. C.  I also don’t feel that I was given an outlet for relearning the material.  Remediation and relearning information is a huge platform for me and integrating parts of Rick Stiggin’s Assessment forLearning.  I provide my students newoutlets to learn, guidelines for turning in/showing their new learning.  Test corrections do not do this in their practice alone.  As a teacher, I consider it my job to ensure that students learn and that I have measurable, whether quantitative or qualitative, outcomes to demonstrate their learning.  As the AFL framework suggests, these outcomes are not solely for me, but they are for the students too, so they know their learning objectives and can assess for themselves if they learned them.  I do not know if my learning objectives for this assessment were to memorize JVTB’s work or to explain how this assessment was either appropriate or inappropriate.  When it came down to it, I had higher priorities on my list than rewriting answers.  Good attitude? No. There go those disposition points….

So back to me crying.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that I’m sad about leaving my classmates, embarrassed about my performance in the class or that I’m exhausted with thoughts running through my head.  Dan asked me this morning how my family was handling all the changes in my life.  He emphasized “all” and I knew what he meant.  How are they handling them?  Well it ranges from excitement  for my new beginning, to fear for the lack of children in my immediate future, to complete disregard for any future changes…I started the program married, confused about my educational stance and with a 5 year plan.  I am ending the program divorced, overly confident in my educational stance and no f’n clue what my one year plan has, let alone a 5. 

I entered this program because I needed more in my life.  I wanted to learn how to teach all kids better, especially the gifted students.  I wanted to be a leader in my school and lifelong learning example for my students.  Did I expect all A’s?  No.  If I had known half of the personal and professional ups and downs I would encounter in this process I may have expected less of myself.  I believe that the fact that I made a B in my math class was fantastic.  That was the semester that I taught three preps, coached tennis, lead professional development and moved out.  I spent a lot of time on the math steps and processes, very little time on the journals.  I put emphasis on what I thought was valuable for me, at the time, in my classroom.  I made an A in our Foundations course.  That, in and of itself is amazing, considering I never did the second half of the final exam.  My first half kicked ass (thanks Liz!) and I learned SO much from it, I did not write the reflection of it.  I learned so much in these classes, and I feel that I showed that I learned a lot in these classes, however I also prioritized my learning.  This is a way that we differentiate in our classes whether it is from tiered lessons or unit matrices, students learn what they need to learn, but can focus on their interests through authentic assessment (cough: JVTB: cough)

So let’s Dweck this out.  One thing I have focused on is constantly challenging myself.  I want to build stronger, smarter, me.  I want to surround myself with people that encourage and challenge me to learn more and be better.  So what can I do with this “27”?  Learn from it-reread, and then do better in the future.  I tried my hardest on quiz 2…even though I didn’t follow Dr. C’s guidelines of only using JVTB because I don’t think we can just synthesize on JVTB.  I want to put everything I’ve learned into practice.  I have put a lot of work into our curriculum unit and expanded on my previous matrix skills from Anderson and Krathwohl to a more intense plan.  I’m anxious for the final exam tomorrow.  I’m nervous that I will not show how much I learned in this course.  I’m nervous my over-exuberance in over-citations will annoy Dr. C.  I’m also nervous that I will cry because the waterworks still have not stopped.  I’m sad that I will be leaving some of the greatest professional development I have ever had-the people, the professors and Elon’s resources. 

So think about me around 10 am tomorrow.  Whether you are excited for new beginnings as a masters graduate or worried that all this “smarts” will make me not want to have kids (Gee and Pa) just send good vibes my way.  I’ll make you proud.  It may not be the way you want me to go about it, and it may involve more than you want, but I’ll make you proud.  Or at least I’ll make myself proud. 

if you are at all sad I'm moving...don't read.

So I am quite sad to move.  I am scared out of my mind and do not want to leave a lot of this behind.  However, on that note, I am also incredibly excited.  I have constant knots in my stomach-the nervous butterflies are fighting the lumps that keep sneaking my throat making me want to cry.  I then also have a constant feeling that I’ve consumed too much caffeine because I’m jittery with excitement. 

When I want to cry the most is when Bakerloo is being a snuggle bug.

baby bakey

terror loo

So if you have never had the pleasure of meeting Bakerloo then you are missing out.  This dog was the cutest puppy you have ever seen.  Seriously.  When Canden and I got her people thought we were crazy.  We were seniors in college and, in all sincerity, probably didn’t need a dog.  However, it took one look at our Bakerloo and people would go…”oh that’s why you got a dog-she’s freakin’ adorable.”  Then this damned dog turned 1 and 2 and she was a terror.  Not really, but she was full of energy and cuh-razy.  Well this now almost 7 year old dog is quite possibly the sweetest, cuddliest, princess puppy ever.  She is so well behaved, still has a little crazy streak in her but calms down instantly.  I love her.  The thought of leaving her behind crushes me.  She wouldn’t live with me if I was in the country, but I could visit.  Seriously, if you haven’t met Bakerloo, you should.  Her number is 555-SNU-GGLE.  She responds well to treats, cuddles and the Family Guy theme song.

Can you take Bakerloo to Bahrain with you?

Legally?  Yes.  Dogs are allowed to travel to Bahrain and there is no quarantine time.  Real answer?  No. They are not supposed to travel in the summer months.  It is too hot and they do not acclimate the extreme heat well.  If you are taking an animal it is advised that you bring them in winter.  So if I wanted to bring her, it would have to be then.  But let’s be honest, just like when I was a senior in college, I do not need a dog in Bahrain.  And if we are being really honest, I’m a crappy mom to Loo.  She will be in much better hands with her Dad.  Hard to believe she will be nearly 9 when I come back. 

Another time I get sad is when I think about how my life will be on pause for two years.  I worked really hard to unpause my life in the past year.  I want to move forward professionally and personally.  I’m not sure if a two year stint where I throw my stuff in a storage room and have it chill until I come back is really “moving on.”  I have no freakin’ clue what I will learn in Manama.  I have no clue who I will meet.  But right now, as I pack up (or talk about packing up) my life it revolves around keeping things intact for when I move back in two years. 

Can you stay longer than 2 years?

Yes, if I’m hired.  You get a pretty big bonus too. 

What happens if you don’t stay for 2 years?

I don’t lose money, but I don’t get money. I get paid 12 months, but the 12^th month is received when you come back…so if I don’t go back, I don’t get it.  If I resign AFTER January (after either 1 or 2 years) then I do lose summer checks.  Basically, unless I completely despise it, I’m planning on staying for two years. 

Will you be safe?

Do you trust me in American schools?  Then yes.  Honestly, the island is safe.  But for those of you that want to see for yourself you can visit the UK travel site.

Some things that I am getting excited about are scuba diving, traveling and teaching again!  I want to seek adventure and live it up!  I want to come back to America, smarter, wiser and even more excited to teach! 

Can you use more exclamation marks?

YES!!!!!  YES I CAN!!!!  (this is quite a spicy post-right Katy?)

Let's recap June and move on....

Dear life,

Why are you continuing to happen here, when I leave in1-2 months and need you to slow the hell down? 

Summer is freakin’ flying by and I cannot even begin to discuss how much has happened in the month of June.  I started and finished my Master’s Portfolio (most likely why I will have to restart and finish it in July, but whatever).  I created a camp class, put on the camp and recapped the camp with the amazing help of my favorite cohort member Liz.  I realized that I love middle schoolers…but not for long periods of time.  I realized that elementary school kids make me want to go “Squeeee”, as in “You’re so cute, get away from me!”  I realized that I miss teaching.

Dear current and future employers,

I am feeling completely jaded by the current state of education and think I need a change.  Will you be completely heart-broken if I leave?  Can you offer me my dream job?

I managed a ton at Da Vinci’s Table with the help of Will and the rest of my favorites there.  We went out for two weekends in a row to celebrate Stephanie’s birthday and her leaving.  I blended DVT family with teaching family at a pool party saying goodbye to Bob and Ramsey before they set sail for Arizona.  It was the first time I had seen Leigh Ann in forever.  I realized I missed all of my friends, even the ones I just saw five minutes ago.

Dear friends and family,

I love you and know that you will support me through whatever I do.  Will you still be here when I get back?  Will you be completely heartbroken and forget about me before I even leave?

I put my heart out there, and then pulled it in real quick before it could get taken, or stepped on.  I laid out my feelings, in my own incoherent words and then blamed myself for being stupid.  I played games because they were easier than anything else, until it hurts.  

Dear future love interest,

I believe in love and want to have the best relationship ever.  How do we move forward?  Where do we go from here?

I fell in love with Bakerloo all over again and cannot imagine saying goodbye to her, let alone the humans I actually love who will know I’m leaving.

The ultimate conclusion of June?  Leaving the known is easier than leaving the unknown.  Leaving securities and sureties is easier than leaving questions and confusions.  Constants will still be somewhat constant when I return.  Sure things will change, but all in all, the people I know and love and the places I value will still be around.  The questions, concerns and knots in my stomachs are what I’m scared about…

I know that I will miss my friends, family and opportunities here.  That is a given.  However it is the unknowns that I will miss that scare me.  I know I will have different opportunities abroad, but are they what I want or need?  Are the opportunities here what I want or need? 

Yes. 

FLEX Camp

Long time no blog….

I couldn’t blog last week.  Every bit of writing that I did had to be concentrated on my portfolio.  While, admittingly, I did not concentrate as much as I should, I did avoid blogging, which is something I would enjoy much more than writing about how much I have learned in a program.  I sometimes felt like I was writing a “how awesome am I?” paper, and let’s be honest, I know I am awesome, but documenting awesomeness is sometimes more difficult than an upload.  I had to write about instruction, learners, content, professional development and research and what I have done in each of those five fields since being at Elon.  I know that I am not the first person to do this.  I know that there are many people who have passed and failed before me.  However I think the process needs some revision.  I understand the point of writing the synthesis papers and providing documentation.  While I sucked at it, I get it.  I wished, however, they provided more pointed questions to better guide the process, similar to National Boards.  The whole process is similar to National Boards, but a lot more vague. 

It was also due the week of camp at Elon.  We held a camp through my masters program for gifted students.  I worked with my fellow math nerd Liz.  We helped students make awesome Rube Goldberg machines, simple machines put together to make illogical, yet working machines to accomplish a task.  They could feed a dog, capture a dinosaur or land a frog on a lilypad.  They all chose not to deal with the cool jumping frogs we bought.   The kids were amazing but I came to the realization…I love high school.  I don’t know what I am going to do when I have kids. Thank goodness that is not happening for a long time (just so rumors don’t start….)

I enjoyed camp because I got to guide investigations with little to no time limit.  The problem with class is that time is crunched.  Camp it wasn't.  I got to see students in their element learning what they wanted to learn.  You can see my video that I made (YES MADE!) recapping the week: Flex Camp.  You can also watch some of our machines working...for the most part.

Party Animals

Garage

Nuclear Garage Boys

So anyways, we were all wiped from camp each day and writing portfolio entries each night.  When we brought this to the attention of the higher ups the response was “you have known the deadline since you started”.  We always knew it would be due the second week of summer school.   However, as our professor said, it is human nature to work up until the deadline, so why not set it earlier.  It wasn’t that we didn’t have enough time, it was that the deadline was the same time as another deadline….and hello, my name is Carissa and I am a procrastinator.  I work better under pressure.  I personally think that statement is not true for anybody, but we say it because we have all succeeding under circumstances when we worked under pressure.  But I digress….

So anyways….I’ve been writing a lot, just not blogging.  

Back to Bahrain

I got the weekly gazette this week.  First of all the graduation looks amazing, second of all...I see some knees!  I have also contacted a couple of other teachers...I'm getting really excited!

The one with too many sidenotes...please forgive me

Whose responsibility is it to educate our children?  Is it the parents?  Is it the teachers?  Is it the community members?

Well my question is why are we educating the children?   What is the point of teaching children responsibility, academics and proper attitudes?  I firmly believe that we are raising our next generation so that they can be the leaders of our country and provide for the future.  I do not have children but I still would like a competent president, knowledgeable doctors and businessmen and women to help me in the future.  I believe that we all pay taxes to education to ensure that society is educated to serve the needs of the country. 

As a teacher, I guess you could say I’m a little selfish.  I am teaching students to act and behave the way I want them to-respectful, but with a sense of humor.  I believe that mathematics is important, not because everyone needs Pythagorean Theorem in their life, but because they need the logical reasoning sense it takes to solve problems.

So my Dad says he hates the phrase “it takes a village”.  He believes it takes away all personal responsibility of parents from raising their children.  I think it should put more responsibility on all individuals involved.  If I’m apart of the raising, I need to do my part.  We are each responsible for the actions that take place in our daily lives.  Any thing that happens to us is for a reason, even things we say are because of someone else’s fault.  We allowed them in our lives. 

Anything I’m blamed for I accept….almost to a fault.  If it’s not my fault, I will still try to rectify it.  Example: At the restaurant I had an order come to the window made incorrectly.  I told the kitchen that it was wrong.  They told me I rang it in wrong.  We looked at the ticket, and it was rung in correctly.  They apologized and fixed my order.  Had I rung it in wrong I would have apologized.  But here’s the thing, this generation, would have blamed the computer for making them ring it in wrong. 

I blame myself for perpetuating the cycle.  I never tell the students they are wrong.  Instead I say something encouraging like “That was a good try but let’s see if we can get a closer answer.”  I admire the teachers who teach students responsibility and ownership.  However, I blame the parents for perpetuating that cycle. 

I have a really good friend (sidenote: he is probably too good of a friend to me, but that deserves another blog post in itself) who teaches at some high school that I have a certain affinity for and he is one who believes that people need to take responsibility for their own actions (sidenote: he is good at doing this in his own life, even if I have to point it out for him).  He had a student who avoided turning in a project worth 20% of their grade.  Avoided the teacher for one week, then they blamed the teacher for not being where they said they would be (in his classroom).  When he finally got it, the student emailed it to him…was his email not where it said it would be for a week? The student should have taken responsibility and said that they had not finished the assignment and needed more time, but no, instead, they blamed my friend for not doing his part.  Well my friend took points off of the final grade for it being late.  Then he thought part of it was “too good”.  He googled it…and there was the student’s project!  So he did not give the student credit for that part.  This caused the C student to fail the class (sidenote: he’s a hardass). 

Of course he had to call home to the parent.  As a parent, if my student had turned in a project a week late, and plagiarized, I would have felt like a failure for not have hounding her for her assignment and for not teaching her that printing things off the internet is wrong.  But what was the parent’s reaction?  “Why did my child fail, when other students cheated too?”  They had to have a meeting regarding the grade and about how this student didn’t do anything wrong…………(sidenote: my friend was pissed).

Honestly, what has society become?  I believe that it takes a village. The student needs the parents to raise them to be ethical individuals.  The student needs their peers and mentors to advocate for completing school-work.  The student needs teachers to teach them what ethical practices are for completing work.  No matter what, the student, nor society need cop-outs and excuses.  Excuses are tools of incompetence (sidenote: my friend is a hard ass like Mr. Burke).

So in the end, what did this student learn?  Was she properly educated and/or raised?  Well if the teacher flunked her, she was taught that average work for a year, and bailing in the end, gets you nowhere.  If she passes, she was taught that average work and messing up can be forgiven.  What if she had been an excellent student all year?  She could have not turned in the exam and passed.  What lesson does that teach?  What if she had been a horrible student all year and passed the exam with flying colors to pass with a D?  D stands for Diploma.  Which would you rather teach, parent or be friends with?

We all have to be responsible for our actions, but who taught us that?  Surely, it was not just your parents.  I hope that you see it all around you, modeled by graciousness, strong characters and responsible actions. 

Back to the question, “what did the student learn?”  If she walks away from this experience and realizes that she disappointed people, then this was a good problem.  Everyone messes up.  We all have low points in our lives and if not for forgiveness we would all be miserable people.  But what if she hasn’t learned? What if she does the same thing again?  What if she has the same teacher next year and is a problem child because she resents him?  Where do we learn forgiveness? 

We learn it from having others forgive us.  By the actions we are shown.  So remember to be an example for everyone.  Be gracious, be generous, be responsible.  If people put their prides aside and thanked their neighbor for something small, helped a stranger with simple task and held themselves accountable for their own actions the world would be a much better place.  By the way, it’s not too late to start doing these things, or forgive or apologize. Our actions today may influence who we are tomorrow but they do not define who we are…at least I’m hoping I was a better person today, than I was yesterday, and I strive to be a better person tomorrow, than I was today.

light me up like a bottle rocket

Tomorrow is the last day with students.  I'm not sad.  I'm not excited.  I'm apathetic.  Pretty much the same feeling I've had all year.  I am sad to see the year end with some teachers.  I am sad that I won't see some of these students continue to grow up.  However, after leaving my favorites at Northeast last year, I feel like I can leave anywhere...a job's a job.

However leaving Burlington may be another story.  I have lived here for 10 years (minus the one year in Charlotte with Ann).  I have known where to get food, airports to fly in and out of, roads to take in traffic and roads to take when I want to drive.  I have had friends surrounding me and I know where to go to meet new ones.

So with tomorrow being my last day, it is also my last day of familiarity.  I have ended 6 school years now.  However this time, when we end, I am pausing a career in North Carolina.  I don't know where I will be in two years-do I come back to NC or move to Minnesota?  Why not just put my finger on a map and pick a new place?  Do I think administration or keep teaching or get out of education (stop laughing, I can do other careers!)

Part of my thought process for moving was a fresh start-what will my fresh start look like in two years?  I know no one can answer these thoughts.  I know part of the awesomeness about it all is that no one can or will answer these.

"I ain't here to do anything half-way
Don't give a damn what anyone might say
I just wanna free fall for a while...

Usually the end of the school year signifies my break, my time to recuperate from the year and prepare for the next school year.  This summer is so different because I cannot prepare for next year. I can pack and I can sell all my belongings but mostly it will just be living every moment to the fullest so that my memories of people and places can hold me until I come back...where back is...

...That rebel moon is shinin'
Those stars burn like diamonds
Hell bent on chasin' down that crazy spark
I'll follow you where you're leading
To the first sweet taste of freedom
You got me runnin' baby,
wild at heart."